I’m loyal to Joffrey, my one true love–bullshit.

Garden Of Bones - I won’t annoy you by recapping last weeks episode; you can read it here.  Also, I will not go in order the episode premiered as I decided to approach this review by order of character I found most annoying–our beloved King Joffrey (Jack Gleeson).  In King’s Landing, Joffrey is punishing Sansa (Sophie Turner) for her brother success in battle. Ser Lancel Lannister (Eugene Simon) reports that Robb Stark’s army of wolves descended on their soldiers, killed, and also alleged that the Northmen fed on the dead and dying. Instead of being a man about it, he took to beating on defenseless girls to make a point. It was Ser Meryn Trant (Ian Beattie) that administer the beating to Sansa. Thankfully, Tyrion (Peter Dinklage) intervened and taught a much needed lesson to the spoiled and immature king–and Joffrey’s assistance on doing what he likes regardless of the consequences it will cause.

Tyrion reminded Joffrey the Mad King did as he liked and where did that get him? Ser Trant interrupted Tyrion, and told him not to threaten the king. Instead, he decided to take Ser Trant to school by instructing Bronn (Jerome Flynn) to kill Trant if he interrupted him again–a direct threat. He then escorted Sansa away and queried her about wanting to remain at King’s Landing, hopefully wanting to break off her engagement. She instead replied “I am loyal to Joffrey, my one true love.” She must want to be queen in the worse way. Good old Bronn suggested, that King Joffrey–being a young man and all–may be “backed up,” and he may need to “release” some of his pinned up hostilities. So what’s a good uncle to do? Hire a couple of whores for his dear sweet nephew.

The Hound (Rory McCann) (he is not a knight, as he refused to be knighted) was waiting for Joffrey to return to his chambers and informed him that his Uncle has left him a name-day present in his room. Upon entering his room, he finds Daisy and Ros, two prized whores hand-picked from Littlefinger’s brothel, waiting for him. Now here is where Joffrey is an unconscionable prick. Instead of delving in what may be a delightful ”first” evening for him, he turns the evening into a continuation of beatings that started with Sansa. He demanded that Ros beat Daisy–first with his belt, and then with a royal sceptre (a freaking heavy stick with antlers on it). He told her if she didn’t beat Daisy with it (I thought he was going to demand that she did something else), she will suffer the same. The sinister bastard! He elated in the torture of watching and listening to Daisy scream in pain! That horrible, wretched asshole Joffrey. This kid was born evil. Trust me, he will rightfully get his comeuppances.

Careful and calculating.

Meanwhile, Tyrion was busy recruiting his first cousin, and sister’s lover Ser Lancel. Lancel delivered a message from his Aunt Cersei requesting that he release her spy Pycelle from prison. Instead, he questioned his dear nephew about his intimate relationship with his Aunt. When Tyrion “motioned” that he will immediately notify Joffrey of their affair, Lancel begged for mercy and suggested that he leave the city. Instead, Tyrion suggested he remain where he was, pleasure his Aunt as much as she desires, and return to him with any and all information of her whereabouts, who she speaks with, and who she sees. He will release Pycelle–but he will no longer serve on the King’s council. Well played.

King Robb. Nuff said.

As always, King Robb (Richard Madden) is being awesome (and handsome) and is out kicking Lannister ass and taking names. He sent in Grey Wind, his wolf, to surprise a couple of unlucky guards busy farting and poking fun at Loras Tyrell (Finn Jones) sexuality (he is Renly Baratheon’s (Gethin Anthony) lover). Afterwards, we survey the gory battle field littered with the dead and the silent sisters (a religious order of women who prepares the dead for burial) carrying out their duties. Lord Bolton (Michael McElhatton) suggests to Robb to kill the Lannister prisoners or hold a few of them for questioning. Robb refuses–he does not want to risk the safety of his sisters.

They both come across Talisa (Oona Chaplin), a healing woman and silent sister, preparing to amputate the festered leg of one of the Lannister soldiers. Later, Robb approaches her and asks her name; she isn’t happy with the war and bloodshed. She asks what it was Robb planned to do when he has won all his battles. Instead of being king, Robb wishes to return to his home in Winterfell. It is also important to note the “stares” Robb was forwarding towards Talisa. Now, for whatever reason she isn’t to be “Jeyne Westerling,” from the Song of Fire and Ice novels–because I cannot recall a Talisa in the books. Maybe one of you can inform me exactly what her role is in the series in the comment section below.

King Renly Baratheon. He still hasn’t slept with his wife.

Petyr Baelish (Aidan Gillen) or ‘Littlefinger,’ another one of my favorite characters on the show (listed next to Tyrion, Lord Varys), the trio of cleaver and calculating anti-heroes thus far in the season.  Petyr visited Renly’s camp not specifically to visit Renly–see Catelyn Stark (Michelle Fairley), his long ago unrequited and still dearest love, and to bring her the remains of her husband–Eddard Stark (Sean Bean). You remember in the What is Dead May Never Die episode, Tyrion asked if Petyr would pay her a visit to produce a trade-off; release Jamie Lannister in exchange for her daughters Sansa and Arya. He left her to ponder this deal.

Before this, Petyr encountered Renly’s wife, Queen Margaery (Natalie Dormer) and briefly inquired about her and her husband’s “living arrangement.” She dismissed him after she took a shot at his never being married (remember, he still is in love with Catelyn Stark).

Meanwhile in the stormlands, Renly is attempting to parley with his brother Stannis–all in accompaniment; Catelyn Stark, Melisandre (The Red Priestess); Brienne; and Renly’s lover Loras. Just as brothers do, they bickered over who will take King’s Landing from the Lannisters instead of allying together to alleviate a common enemy. Even Catelyn suggested they work together. Not successful there.

The Mother of Dragons, Dænerys.

We finally get to catch up with Dænerys (Emilia Clarke) and her Dothraki horde just outside the walls of Qarth. The poor khalasar are dwindling–they are thirsty and starved from their long journey. They are met by “The Thirteen,” who are querying regarding her alleged dragon children that accompany her. They asked that she present her dragons before coming into the city. She declined and then our purveyor of spices suggested that she then take her people, and return from where they came from.

However she is a Targaryen, and she demanded that the Thirteen honor their arrangement and let them into the “greatest city that ever was or will be.” No worries, Xaro Xhoan Daxos vouches for Dænerys, her people, and her dragons by cutting his hand and revealing the blood which allowed them to enter the city. Hopefully, the garden of bones won’t grow with their stay.

Arya, Hot Pie, and Gendry.

Arya, Gendry, and Hot Pie are brought to the prison camp of Harrenhal, where prisoners of war are tortured and then beheaded for all to see. Arya makes note of the smell and all can hear the sounds of instruments of torture cranking in the background and men screaming. They thought they were to spend their last days and nights there. Thankfully, Tywin Lannister (Charles Dance) arrives and reveals to the ignorant torturers that Arya is in fact a girl and obviously smarter than the lot of them. He recruits her as his cup bearer while Arya kept stealing her eyes on the sword her brother had made for her on the hip of the soldier. She will be getting that back, believe me.

I was relieved to see Tywin appear when he did. Ser Gregor was on his way to select his newest torture victim and grabbed  hold of Gendry. He had just tied the “tickler” to his bare chest. The tickler is a bucket which contained a starving rat. The torturer would light the end of the bucket and as the bucket heated up, the rat would bite a hole through the tortured to escape. Alas, this did not happen to our dear Gendry; Tywin told the guards to release the prisoners, as many of them are qualified skilled laborers.

No deal. But there was a birth.

I am wondering how ignorant Stannis is about Melisandre’s (Carice van Houten) intentions? I am unsure as well just how her character will progress in the series because after last night…I am blown the hell away. Stannis asked Davos to escort Melisandre to an island and he was not to tell anyone what he has done. I am certain that he was just as unprepared, as I was to see just what “came out” of our devout follower of The Lord of Light.

Those of you who read the book–wtf? Did you expect to see this? Not only was Melisandre suddenly pregnant–she has just given birth to a monster–an entity of shadows who were taking form just as the scene and the show ended! This show is going beyond viewer expectations and the only angry critique I have of the show is that it is just too damned short!

I swear, if I win the lottery this weekend, I am heading to HBO studios and put my money on production. We have six episodes left in the season, and it seems HBO is trying to cram too much into each episode as possible. The SHOW HAS TO BE AT LEAST 2 HOURS LONG! Enough of this 10 hour, 10 episode season.

And I rant about this in the best possible way.

The story thus far…

Source: HBO